[ oh. oh. viktor grimaces, looking away and then at the ground — the uncomfortable realisation that caitlyn doesn't know hits him as she speaks, and, well. he never really had to tell anyone, back home, jayce took care of that... so this is effectively the first time he has to force the words from his lips. ]
You haven't heard, [ he says, stalling, before he sighs; only, the breath catches in his lungs once more and he descends into another coughing fit, turning away so caitlyn doesn't have to watch him... or that he doesn't have to see her expression.
once he gets his breathing under control, he turns back to her, glancing at her before looking away once more. ] I'm dying, Caitlyn. I don't have long. The doctors... the prognosis was very clear. [ a pause. ] I'm sorry. I thought Jayce had told you.
[Any questions burning in her head disappear when he launches into another coughing spell. The bag of goodies are set aside and she forces her way inside, grabbing a chair and making him sit. Even as he turns to avoid her gaze, she keeps her eyes on him, watching and waiting for the fit to pass.
It was the gasses from the Undercity, wasn't it? She's heard enough about them to know. And her mother had helped fund some of the ventilation systems to help make it better. Even with him escaping the fumes and spending the past several years in Piltover, it seems the poisoned air caught up with him anyway.]
After the Council meeting, I didn't have anything else to say to him, and then... too much happened too quickly.
[And then she was here, and feeling very guilty about missing out on some very important details. Suddenly, him not caring so much when she told him of the attack on the Council made sense. He didn't care if he died, because he knew his death was coming soon anyway.]
Have you seen a healer here? They know of medicines from other worlds, maybe they can give you something. Help stabilize you, or...if nothing else, give you some relief. [She knows death isn't permanent here, but that's always been in scenarios where they were killed by something here. What happened when someone died from something they entered the simulation already suffering with?]
[ he falls into the chair without much effort at all on her part — he doesn't have the strength to resist, nor the will. once the coughs finally subside, he grips his crutch, white-knuckled. ]
... Of course. [ hm, maybe self-centered of him, to expect his fate might have been anywhere near being important enough to have come up, back then. why would it? it isn't like him being gone would really change anyone's life much at all. it would be like silco said — they would both be forgotten, their legacies absorbed into those of better men.
the way he glances to the side is as good an admission as any, before he says, ]
No, I have not. Perhaps that was... short-sighted of me. [ because he had thought that nothing could be done to his lungs to save them, aside from perhaps what the hexcore might have done, if the cost hadn't been far too high to pay. ]
... What will happen if I die, here? Do you know? I have heard this place self-corrects, when the deaths occurring are unnatural. But what if it isn't?
It wasn't-- I was preoccupied. By Vi. [Caitlyn knows what he must think, that neither her or Jayce prioritized Viktor and his condition, but that was further from the truth. If she had actually taken the time to check in with Jayce after the Council meeting, she had no doubt that Jayce would have brought it up, but even when her and Vi went their separate ways, Jayce had run off and was exploding Shimmer factories with Vi. And then she was being kidnapped by Jinx. It really did all happen so fast.]
I...don't know. People have died. I've died, but it was at the hands of a monster. Silco's alive, and he had died before he was brought here. But someone ill? From something they came here with? I have no idea. Do you feel worse? Do you feel like it's-- progressing? [Given the way things worked around here, she wondered if it would just go into a remission of sorts. Not quite going away, but not getting worse? But she really had no idea. She wasn't a healer, and this was the first time this sort of thing had come to her attention.]
You don't need to explain, [ he says, softly, quiet and understanding and tired all at once. he knows now there were many things he had missed, at the time — and really, truly, what is his illness when compared to everything that had happened? and even through that, he doesn't doubt that jayce cared. but he'd promised to destroy the hexcore, and thus viktor's only chance at survival... and that was as it should be.
he'd be gone, either from the explosion or shortly after it, due to his illness finally being too much for his wasting body to handle. that's just how it is.
but then she speaks of something he very much does want her to explain... only it seems she can't. ]
I see. So the self-correction happens only if someone passes from being alive to being dead, through unnatural causes. It seems whatever is simulating this is capable of constructing a version of us here even after our death in our world of origin. Then it is reasonable to believe... yes, there is no reason why my — hm, condition, wouldn't be identical to how it is outside of this place.
[ he is staring at a spot on the floor with the kind of look that betrays his want for a notebook, for a board, somewhere to jot down his thoughts. ] I haven't felt particularly worse, but I suspect it is because I had already reached the point where I... cannot feel much worse than I already do. [ she had asked, but he doesn't feel great, having to admit this. ] If the goal of this simulation is to make us repent our crimes, it would make sense for it to suspend my illness in a form of stasis, of sorts... but if it is something else, to observe us, to see our reactions to events that happen —
[ well, in that case, letting his condition progress to its inevitable conclusion would be much better for observation than a remission. to let him die, only to bring him back, for the cycle to repeat; cruel, yes, but he's never had cause to believe the simulation to be anything else. ]
[And yet, Caitlyn feels like she does. She doesn't want Viktor to think she doesn't care about him, or that he was a mere second thought to Jayce. She knows how much Jayce cares about him, there's no question of that, but she wonders if maybe Viktor has been feeling second best ever since Jayce got thrown into the Councilor position. She hadn't exactly been around, but she's all too familiar with the responsibilities that come with that role.
She winces to herself when he mentions how bad he felt, and she feels even worse for not necessarily noticing. But she's noticing now, and she's going to do something about it. What that something is, she's not quite sure, but she knows a few people in town that might be able to help.]
I would think it would be a kind of stasis. That makes the most sense, given... people come back from the dead. Those injuries are reversed, so why not an illness? You can't "learn" and "improve" if you're never not fighting for your life.
[Surely that was the case, and not the alternative Viktor mentioned. Surely this place wouldn't set him up to die, only to bring him back, and do it all over again?? That was cruel, on a completely new level.]
[ second best? perhaps — or perhaps it had been the pain of diverging loyalties, diverging priorities, a rift that he had tried his hardest not to see for years, now. a rift he'd ignored, because even after it all, jayce was — is — the most important person in his life. has been so ever since that fateful night and floating in the professor's office, surrounded by the most beautiful glow of blue he'd ever witnessed.
his mouth twists; he lets one shoulder rise up minutely in a kind of a haphazard half-shrug. ]
It would make the most sense, on paper, yes. However, I believe it is clear this place doesn't hold to what makes sense. Everything we say is nothing more than speculation — until I die, or I don't.
[ that is quite simply it... and so far, he has been waiting. ]
[He's right. Of course he is. It's Viktor. Even though he hasn't been here long, he's already figured out how this place works. It's never easy, or simple, or right. It goes out of it's way to make the hurt as painful as possible. So why wouldn't it drag out his illness, and make him suffer? She shudders at the thought, but what better answer does she have?]
Let's start with getting you to a healer, first. I know a few people that I trust that know a thing or two about medicines.
[Claude and Ethlyn are the first two people she thinks of. She knows Claude a little better. He's better with elixirs, and given she's not sure Viktor can be cured, maybe that's the better option to start with.]
[ excuse him sounding a little sharp with that — he sighs, hearing his own words, and attempts again. ]
You don't need to fix me, Caitlyn. My illness is not your responsibility. [ it is no one else's than his own; that is why he didn't want to tell anyone, back home, wouldn't have told anyone if jayce hadn't been there, finding him and bringing him to the hospital. ]
[Caitlyn hears that sharp tone and she knows-- she's pushing it with him. While her and Viktor have always gotten along decently, it was always Jayce that was the real connection between them. Jayce could talk Viktor into anything, and while... there was a part of her, now, that was doing this for Jayce, she....also wanted to do this for Viktor. Because was still her friend.]
I'm not-- [-- trying to fix you, she stops herself from saying. It wouldn't be completely true, even if she did. Because...she kind of was, wasn't she? She's spent a lot of time with Vi, learning how things she always thought meant nothing could mean to someone from Zaun. How prejudice and classism played into how their two sides interacted. Even if Viktor had lived in Piltover for years now, he was still a child of Zaun. She could only imagine what he thought of them, sometimes. Especially when Piltover was largely to blame for most of their problems, and likely...his illness.]
I only want to ease your suffering, Viktor. You're my friend. Is it so wrong, that I don't want you to be miserable?
[ his mouth twists into the approximation of a humourless smile as she swallows her words; yes, he knows, because he's been trying to fix himself too. but it's his damn body, so it's his right to try and do anything at all about it... and the only one whose help he'd even so much as considered accepting had been jayce.
but then the words that follow make him deflate; you're my friend, she says, and once again he's reminded that this woman is like a little sister to jayce, that she's bright and intelligent and cares so, so much, and he doesn't have the heart to snuff her optimism with his own cynicism. ]
... Fine. It might be worth trying. Perhaps other worlds have different healing arts.
[Caitlyn doesn't actually expect Viktor to agree. At least, not that easily. She's learned the hard way, just how stubborn these Undercity people are. There's something about them, that just want to fight for everything. It must come with the territory, of how they had to fight to survive in Zaun, and in his case, fight to have a place in Piltover too.]
You-- really? [Wait, no, don't let him see your surprise!!]
I mean-- Excellent! I can reach out to Claude, or-- if you feel like it, we can go there now?
[ too late, he has already witnessed the surprise — and while he does make a face at that, it's mostly out of embarrassment, because about half of him is saying that he should have fought against it harder, simply out of principle, while the other half thinks he shouldn't have given her cause for surprise, at all... and the end result is this, the awkward way he stares at the floor for a moment before sighing. ]
Let's go before I change my mind, [ he mutters, mostly because if something good comes out of this, it might as well be caitlyn being happy that he's, ugh, taking care of himself or something like that.
and then, because once again his words came out sharper than intended, ] ... I do appreciate your help. And care. Just — [ he waves his hand haphazardly, hoping to indicate something along the lines of if i die here i will come back so what does it really matter, or the last time i tried to do something about my illness it killed a person. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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You haven't heard, [ he says, stalling, before he sighs; only, the breath catches in his lungs once more and he descends into another coughing fit, turning away so caitlyn doesn't have to watch him... or that he doesn't have to see her expression.
once he gets his breathing under control, he turns back to her, glancing at her before looking away once more. ] I'm dying, Caitlyn. I don't have long. The doctors... the prognosis was very clear. [ a pause. ] I'm sorry. I thought Jayce had told you.
no subject
It was the gasses from the Undercity, wasn't it? She's heard enough about them to know. And her mother had helped fund some of the ventilation systems to help make it better. Even with him escaping the fumes and spending the past several years in Piltover, it seems the poisoned air caught up with him anyway.]
After the Council meeting, I didn't have anything else to say to him, and then... too much happened too quickly.
[And then she was here, and feeling very guilty about missing out on some very important details. Suddenly, him not caring so much when she told him of the attack on the Council made sense. He didn't care if he died, because he knew his death was coming soon anyway.]
Have you seen a healer here? They know of medicines from other worlds, maybe they can give you something. Help stabilize you, or...if nothing else, give you some relief. [She knows death isn't permanent here, but that's always been in scenarios where they were killed by something here. What happened when someone died from something they entered the simulation already suffering with?]
no subject
... Of course. [ hm, maybe self-centered of him, to expect his fate might have been anywhere near being important enough to have come up, back then. why would it? it isn't like him being gone would really change anyone's life much at all. it would be like silco said — they would both be forgotten, their legacies absorbed into those of better men.
the way he glances to the side is as good an admission as any, before he says, ]
No, I have not. Perhaps that was... short-sighted of me. [ because he had thought that nothing could be done to his lungs to save them, aside from perhaps what the hexcore might have done, if the cost hadn't been far too high to pay. ]
... What will happen if I die, here? Do you know? I have heard this place self-corrects, when the deaths occurring are unnatural. But what if it isn't?
no subject
I...don't know. People have died. I've died, but it was at the hands of a monster. Silco's alive, and he had died before he was brought here. But someone ill? From something they came here with? I have no idea. Do you feel worse? Do you feel like it's-- progressing? [Given the way things worked around here, she wondered if it would just go into a remission of sorts. Not quite going away, but not getting worse? But she really had no idea. She wasn't a healer, and this was the first time this sort of thing had come to her attention.]
no subject
he'd be gone, either from the explosion or shortly after it, due to his illness finally being too much for his wasting body to handle. that's just how it is.
but then she speaks of something he very much does want her to explain... only it seems she can't. ]
I see. So the self-correction happens only if someone passes from being alive to being dead, through unnatural causes. It seems whatever is simulating this is capable of constructing a version of us here even after our death in our world of origin. Then it is reasonable to believe... yes, there is no reason why my — hm, condition, wouldn't be identical to how it is outside of this place.
[ he is staring at a spot on the floor with the kind of look that betrays his want for a notebook, for a board, somewhere to jot down his thoughts. ] I haven't felt particularly worse, but I suspect it is because I had already reached the point where I... cannot feel much worse than I already do. [ she had asked, but he doesn't feel great, having to admit this. ] If the goal of this simulation is to make us repent our crimes, it would make sense for it to suspend my illness in a form of stasis, of sorts... but if it is something else, to observe us, to see our reactions to events that happen —
[ well, in that case, letting his condition progress to its inevitable conclusion would be much better for observation than a remission. to let him die, only to bring him back, for the cycle to repeat; cruel, yes, but he's never had cause to believe the simulation to be anything else. ]
no subject
She winces to herself when he mentions how bad he felt, and she feels even worse for not necessarily noticing. But she's noticing now, and she's going to do something about it. What that something is, she's not quite sure, but she knows a few people in town that might be able to help.]
I would think it would be a kind of stasis. That makes the most sense, given... people come back from the dead. Those injuries are reversed, so why not an illness? You can't "learn" and "improve" if you're never not fighting for your life.
[Surely that was the case, and not the alternative Viktor mentioned. Surely this place wouldn't set him up to die, only to bring him back, and do it all over again?? That was cruel, on a completely new level.]
no subject
his mouth twists; he lets one shoulder rise up minutely in a kind of a haphazard half-shrug. ]
It would make the most sense, on paper, yes. However, I believe it is clear this place doesn't hold to what makes sense. Everything we say is nothing more than speculation — until I die, or I don't.
[ that is quite simply it... and so far, he has been waiting. ]
no subject
Let's start with getting you to a healer, first. I know a few people that I trust that know a thing or two about medicines.
[Claude and Ethlyn are the first two people she thinks of. She knows Claude a little better. He's better with elixirs, and given she's not sure Viktor can be cured, maybe that's the better option to start with.]
no subject
[ excuse him sounding a little sharp with that — he sighs, hearing his own words, and attempts again. ]
You don't need to fix me, Caitlyn. My illness is not your responsibility. [ it is no one else's than his own; that is why he didn't want to tell anyone, back home, wouldn't have told anyone if jayce hadn't been there, finding him and bringing him to the hospital. ]
no subject
I'm not-- [-- trying to fix you, she stops herself from saying. It wouldn't be completely true, even if she did. Because...she kind of was, wasn't she? She's spent a lot of time with Vi, learning how things she always thought meant nothing could mean to someone from Zaun. How prejudice and classism played into how their two sides interacted. Even if Viktor had lived in Piltover for years now, he was still a child of Zaun. She could only imagine what he thought of them, sometimes. Especially when Piltover was largely to blame for most of their problems, and likely...his illness.]
I only want to ease your suffering, Viktor. You're my friend. Is it so wrong, that I don't want you to be miserable?
no subject
but then the words that follow make him deflate; you're my friend, she says, and once again he's reminded that this woman is like a little sister to jayce, that she's bright and intelligent and cares so, so much, and he doesn't have the heart to snuff her optimism with his own cynicism. ]
... Fine. It might be worth trying. Perhaps other worlds have different healing arts.
no subject
You-- really? [Wait, no, don't let him see your surprise!!]
I mean-- Excellent! I can reach out to Claude, or-- if you feel like it, we can go there now?
no subject
Let's go before I change my mind, [ he mutters, mostly because if something good comes out of this, it might as well be caitlyn being happy that he's, ugh, taking care of himself or something like that.
and then, because once again his words came out sharper than intended, ] ... I do appreciate your help. And care. Just — [ he waves his hand haphazardly, hoping to indicate something along the lines of if i die here i will come back so what does it really matter, or the last time i tried to do something about my illness it killed a person. ]